A spray bottle full of ashes

Oh shut up people.

Stop acting like you "get" everything. Stop acting like everything is some huge fucking revelation to you. I really don't think everything is as big of a fucking deal as you make it to be. I don't even think most of the stuff in my life that I consider to be a "big deal" is really that. This stuff doesn't matter nearly as much as people think it does. I've done a much better job as of late of just taking a step back and thinking about how much something really matters in the long run. It's refreshing. I'll sum it up for everyone so best as I can, (without potentially contradicting myself to the best of my ability) right now.

1. Its not that big of a deal.

2. You can, believe it or not, try it again.

3. Its not the end of the world.

4. Some people, in spite of your best efforts, absolutely suck. They suck at being "good" friends, they suck at listening to you, and they apparently suck at life too. Get over it.

5. I do my damnedest to be an asshole, but sometimes I suck at that too. Sorry if i've let you down.

Those are 5 things that everyone who knows me should probably know by now. Thanks for reading, and if you're one of the 2 or 3 people who actually does read this, kudos to you. I probably like you. But now I sound like one of those people who has friends who refuses to acknowledge that they do indeed have friends. My bad. I know I do. LIFE ISN'T THAT BAD! JUST STEP BACK AND TAKE A LOOK! YOU'RE HERE AND THAT'S ALL THAT REALLY FUCKING MATTERS IN THE END! HOORAY! HAVE A BEER AND CELEBRATE!

Then get back to doing whatever you want to do with yourself.

I love my friends, I love my family and I love Charlotte. I love living here, and I'm happy to say that i'm blessed enough to be getting an education here at Queens.

But I hate our administration, and how they run things. The "Honor Code" is a farce. I just don't understand how doing things the way they do around here can be logically justified.

Talk is cheap.

If a picture is worth 1000 words, why is that all anyone ever says about it?

Why on earth do some people get chance after chance after chance to mess up their lives and the lives of those who love them, while others don't seem to ever get one chance to live up to what they could be? I can't figure that one out. I'm not philosophy/religion major, but i'm not sure they'd know either. I'm not really sure that anyone knows. Cept for God, and i'm not too sure he's really willing to share. I'm not a religious person, but lately it really feels like I should be. Hahaha, imagine that. Me. Going to church again. I don't know why thats funny to me but it is.

Someone told me today that I could get paid for what I do around campus. Not now, but in the future when I grow up and get a real job. Wouldn't that be special? Me getting paid to dole out hypocritical advice to people who aren't going to listen to it to begin with, when I can't even follow it myself, let alone schedule anything. I make jokes that people can't seem to see the forest for the trees sometimes. I'm most definately one of them. It's funny how I keep groping around in my life trying to find some kind of stability, when i'm sure its sitting right under my damn nose. I'm just too busy sticking my nose into other peoples shit to get a whiff of what my own shit smells like. You get the point.

Good counselor. Bad person.
Good friend. Bad relations.

Furthermore, in an effort to no longer be relegated to playing the proverbial "2nd fiddle", i'm strongly considering giving up instruments entirely. Lets face it, i'm just not that "musically" inclined, now am I?

i don't know whats happening or where i'm going. i have no idea what i'll be doing with my life next week, let alone in a couple years. but i've decided that it doesn't really matter what i'm doing. all that matters is that i'm with people that i like, regardless of what those around me think, and that i'm happy with where i'm going.

if that means teaching, so be it. if that means working in a library or museum, so be it. if that means doing something seemingly totally random, then thats fine too. i don't care. if it makes me happy, thats what i'm going to do.

The subject is a quote from a man who i look up to more than anyone else i've ever met. Kudos to you good sir. You took a down and out, on the brink of giving up kid and gave him back what he'd been missing for far too long: a little bit of hope. Whenever i get there, you'll be the first to know.

I...














no, nevermind. Paper is better. :P

People come and go...in and out and in and out of your life again and again. My best friend recently came back from Iraq on a 2 weeks leave, and i got to spend some time with him before I left again to come back to Charlotte. I think that was my only regret about leaving early was not getting to hang out with him more. It seems like ever since high school, from when he left for Ohio right after we graduated, we've never been in the same place for more than a few days at a time. But that doesn't change a damn thing. Shit, I dont' care if we never get to hang out all the time again like we did back then. Whatever time I get to spend with him is a blessing. He's more than my best friend, he's family. Even after I left, he still hung out with my brothers and talked to my parents and it was almost like it didn't matter that I wasn't there. And thats a good thing. Always know that wherever I am, and wherever my family is, you've always got a place to go man. Godspeed and god bless dude. I'll see you in december.

chasing cars...high quality

I just want to make things right. Is that too much to ask?

(And i'd been waiting 6 years to do so. It excited me)

I'm back in Charlotte, wasting a little time before I go find a job somewhere for the rest of the summer/into the school year.

I'm waiting for Dr. Betty Powell, Dean of Students Extraordinaire (dripping...with...sarcasm...) to get back from her hard earned vacation so the re-admissions committee can meet and tell me if I get to go back to QU in the fall or not.

I have my own room with absolutely NO furniture and I LOVE it. Only problem is a lack of internet access...oh well.

I'm pretty sure that I need to take some psych classes in the fall, wherever I end up going to school (god forbid its not QU). They're peaking the interest of the newly-renovated happy Zeb.

Someone made an interesting point the other day. I wasn't there for it, but i'm sure it was earth-shattering. (oh i love jokes)

I was recently asked why, if I could become a vegetarian on a complete whim, could I not just up and quit smoking entirely. I really have no idea why. I've always thought that smoking helped to keep me sane, but maybe its time to give the whole quitting thing another shot. Its sure as hell not going to change who I am, and its not gonna be cold turkey, but I'm thinking i might just give it a shot.

This beer/puppy/beth time thing totally still needs to happen too. Sorry I had to back out the other night. I'm most most definately looking forward to it though. :-)

I'm so glad that I've gotten to see everyone that I've seen so far since I got back on Saturday. But theres so many more that I haven't even been able to talk to, let alone do anything with and that bothers me. If you're in town, call me! Quick, while i'm still unemployed!

I've recently realized that everything you say doesn't have to have some kind of meaning or special connotation to it. Sometimes you've just got to be forward and/or up front about shit. Imagine that...me...talking about being up front about something? You'd be suprised at how shy some people really can be.

I didn't waste anything. Not my time or my energy. In every endeavor upon which we embark which results in what some may call a failure, we've opened up the windows to 1000 more places to take ourselves.

I hope everyone is enjoying their summers! I'll be in town when you get here!!!

Zeb: Now with less metal...

I took out all four of my piercings yesterday. I just think it was time for them to go. No special reasons, just the fact that it struck me as time to get rid of them. I need to cut my hair and shave too...its been a long time since i did that stuff. I'll wait til i get back to charlotte though. That way everyone can see the bushman, have a laugh, then it'll go byebye.

And you know, sometimes even when things go exactly like you thought they would, it doesn't make you happy. Oh well, it sucks but life goes on i guess.

I return to charlotte on or around the 15th. get excited kids...

My life has been changed. The course has been altered, it's almost as if it has shifted tracks completely and there is no going back. Thank you very much They Might Be Giants. Live music + Not shitty bands = my new escape.

Oh, and i'm moving to charlotte in about 2 weeks.

:-) kbye

I'm pretty sure i'm ready to leave home again. I've done my part, said what I needed to say, and i'm comfortable enough with myself again to say that i'm ready to move on and start pushing my own life forward again. I'm still not exactly thrilled with the way things are here at home, but its like someone told me the other day: there was never really anything you could do about it. Home became an excuse for me. I couldn't think or focus or concentrate on even the smallest task because it just kept popping into my mind. It got to the point where I was completely trying to avoid even thinking about work because I knew that it was just going to make me start freaking out again. I'm not a big fan of freaking out, if you didn't already know that, but still thats no excuse. I never meant for things to get so bad as they did, and I never wanted home to become an excuse but unfortunately it did. I really feel like I let a lot of my friends down when I let things get that bad, and when I left, but please know that it wasn't easy for me to accept the fact that thats what I was going to have to do. If I had known that things were ever going to get that bad, I would have taken the whole semester off to begin with. That still wouldn't have done much good, but it would've saved some money and some stress. But hindsight is 20/20, or so the saying goes. When I come back, i'll be better, even moreso than I am now (compared to what I was, thats pretty substantial).

I'm coming back with something to prove. Not just to my professors who think I bailed because of my grades, or the people who never thought I'd come back and were probably glad to see me go in the first place, but to myself. I'm not the same kid I was four years ago, when school was easy and my biggest concern in life was what was for dinner (and that is still a concern, believe me. It's just not tops anymore. I've grown past the COMPLETE fatkid mentality. ^-^). Hell, I'm not even the same person I was a year ago. I feel like a better and stronger person for what I've done and what I've experienced, and now its time to get my focus back to where it needs to be. No more being the academic "fish out of water", and no more getting excited over getting a decent grade on a paper or what have you. I need to expect these things out of myself and thats what I'm going to do from now on. My GPA is a pathetic representation of what I could really accomplish not only at QU, but anywhere else in the future should I go on to grad school. By no means do I measure myself entirely by my GPA, but its a little bit more important than i've been been treating it, and that needs to change. I'm coming back to prove to myself that while I am a changed person in a different (and still changing) environment, I can still exhibit more brain power than the occasional witty remark in class, and that i'm more than just "that kid" on campus.

Think i'm done?

Wrong. I've made a ton of mistakes in the past year, and those are a big part of what I've "experienced" thats made me a better person. I pissed my way out of a job that for the most part, I loved (being an RA). I worried and panicked my way right the hell out of a free trip to Ireland. I've both lost a few amazing friends because I made poor choices along the way; and ended up hurting some people that I would never, ever want to hurt. Shit, everyone makes mistakes and i'm not going to sit here and bitch about the fact that I didn't get to go to Ireland and lost a great job, etc. Did I want to go? Hell yes I wanted to go, it was a once in a lifetime experience and I lost out. My fault, but nothing can change that now, now can it? Sometimes I think that leaving school was a mistake. But then I remember that my brain isn't in the same place that it was 3 months ago (yeah, its been damn near that long...i know). Its in a much better place now, and things are much more conducive to a learning environment now than I think they've ever been. I wasn't well, and was driving myself crazy (as I mentioned above) and thats why I left.

Regardless of what has already happened, and what will happen in the future, I love Queens University of Charlotte. I can't picture myself going anywhere else in the world. I've met people there who have quickly become very special to me, and I wouldn't trade the world for the fact that I even know them, let alone am lucky enough to call them both my classmates and my friends. There is absolutely no way that come August, you guys won't see my face around that campus.

I'm sorry if this carried on forever. I should probably go to bed now. Peace.

Talking to mom...about global politics...and the global economy....argh....

No mom, North Korea really isn't as autonomous as they claim to be, seeing as they rely more on the world food bank than 90% of other nations do. Nukes do not equal autonomy.

Yes mom, you're right. We have given up large amounts of "individual freedoms" since the 1960's. And you're right again, there was rationing during WWII. In spite of these facts, we'll never, ever, end up rationing goods in such a way again, and there will never be "socialism" to the extent of miles long lines at one store because they just got a shipment of shoes in. Not with how far communications and the global economy have advanced and grown in the past 60 (hell, 15) years. (PS: WWII was the best thing to ever happen to this country and Europe. Ask me why).

Good call mom, most people don't have shotguns in their houses anymore, go hunting or teach their kids to shoot at the age of 6. Thats probably because we live in New England (the little colony with the big city mindset). New England, New York (minus the W/NW parts), Florida and California are all pretty similar in that "suburban-we-can-do-what-we-want-and-need-it-now" mindset. If you want farms, land, hunting and just patience in general, look into the midwest.

No mom, i'm not saying that I agree with the Patriot Act, or that the government handled things necessarily "well" in its dealings with Katrina. The Patriot Act is teh ghey, and Katrina was a horrible mess. But with the ever growing scrutiny that our leaders are under (not just this one, but all of them since, oh lets say Ronald Reagan) for spending and taxes, do you really think anyone would have OK'd spending hundreds of millions of dollars (or more) on those levees in 2000 or 2001? I don't. And does it bother me that the government could very well know who i'm calling and even what my text messages say? Sure. Does it piss me off that "big brother" could have read the message that said "I just chugged half a handle of blackberry brandy, guess who's drunk?"? Hell no, i think its hilarious.

Pardon the rant, but thats only a sample of the great discussion that stemmed from the question "what's going on with us and North Korea" that was posed to me tonight by that special lady who carried my red headed ass around for 9 months.

(And for your information, i'm not a Republican. I'm not a Democrat either. I'm independent, and all this partisan horseshit pisses me off sometimes)

Yup. Its my birthday. I am officially old today.

And yes, i've already gone gambling.

Lost $20 at the mohegan sun casino. But you know what? It was HELLA WORTH IT! Why was losing $20 so worth it??? It was on...get this...A MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL SLOT MACHINE!!!!

This excites me.

I want one.

Good day to all!

PS: I miss my shebrew. hahaha

Sometimes the only way to deal with a problem is to take it head on.
Sometimes the only way to get things done is to do them yourself.
Sometimes the only way to move on is to let go.
Sometimes it helps to have support.
Sometimes it helps to remember what you're here for.
Sometimes it helps to realize that you're not the only one.

Leaving.
Home.
Mistakes.

I'm unemployed. Dickweed never called me or my brother back like he said he would. I'm ok with it, i can find something somewhere else for 2 months and change. I feel bad for my brother though.

I turn 21 in approximately 16 days. It's a little scary to think that "the baby" in the family is turning 21. I almost feel bad for my mom too. hahaha...at least i'll get to go see They Might Be Giants on July 1st (for FREAKING F-R-E-E!).

Distance sucks. But it's not the end of the world. I just can't figure out if I should say something or not. I realize that everything is hectic, and has been for months and months. We've talked about this before.

Sometimes time is frustrating.
Sometimes time is healing.
Sometimes time is all we have.

Come with me.

Well...

I think I just fell in love...

With a CD/Album I haven't listened to since I was like 10

"Purple" by Stone Temple Pilots... It's amazing how much more you catch in songs when you're not 10 years old. Ahahahahahaha....


Anywho...

I got a job. I'm not terribly excited, but hey at least its a job. I'll be in training for a month, two weeks of retail and two weeks of customer service. Then if they decide to hire me full time (until August at least, if you call that full time) they'll put me in whichever one I perform better in. I could make hella money in retail with the bonuses for selling crap to people, but that would require me dealing with stupid people and i'm not a huge fan of that. I can do it, but still. Regardless, it's a better paycheck than i'd get working at a gas station like I originally planned on/had resorted to doing this summer. I also need to get off my ass and sign up for a summer class or two on monday...they start at the end of next week so time is running out there.

I also realized that it is true. I'm happier than i've been in quite some time. I'm literally sitting dead in the middle of the thing thats been driving me (the most) crazy for the better part of two years or so, but i'm actually kinda happy. There isn't a whole lot that I can do here, or a whole lot that I can do ABOUT what's going on here other than say my part and then just ride out the summer. This past semester was the last time I ever worry myself sick about home. I love my family to death, but this is the last time I ever wanna live with em.

Ok, i'm done. Leave me happys. Or opinions, which don't necessarily have to be happy. Or just bite an onion and take a picture. Yeah, thats the ticket...

So the trip is coming to a close. I'm sitting at Adam/Wes/Joey/Barlow/revolving door of people over the summers house kinda reflecting on what all has happened. I really think its a good thing that I came back. I'm really not sure that I was "ready" to come back, but its not like I really had a choice in the matter. If I wanted to see my friends graduate, I had to go when I did, plain and simple. Did it set me back a little? Yeah, I suppose so. But the fact of the matter is that i've got the rest of my life to catch up on whatever it is that i'm behind on now, and I only had one chance to go and see what I just got to see.

I'm 99% of the way done with my re-application to Queens. All I have to do is write a brief essay explaining why I left the school and why I want to come back. That really won't be all that hard. Thank you to everyone who has given me so much reason to want to come back. Not that I ever considered not coming back, but man being back here for the week has helped me to realize alot of things about me, and about the people around me, and firmly bashed into my brain the fact that I have to come back. There's no doubt in my mind that Charlotte is the place that I need to be come this fall, and for a very long time after that.

I should go to sleep soon. It's another exciting 5+ hours of airport games tomorrow featuring Continental "we suck so bad no wonder we're bankrupt" Airlines. Peace.

Another chat with mom.

This one an hour.

From 3AM to 4AM.

I love my family, but for gods sake, we keep some weird hours around here. Shes always been the heart of our house, the center of the family orbit I guess. Some of us are taking bigger orbits and getting away from home and not relying on mom for everything. Some of us are starting to do this. Others are just complacent. One just doesn't seem to give a shit what the hell happens, so long as he can do what he wants when he's not at work and the bills are getting paid. I've said my part to mom. Now come the others. And if it goes well, it goes well. If it doesn't, and i'm hated for thinking the way I do, so be it. I've said all along from the second that I came home that one way or another, i'm done worrying myself sick over the home situation by the end of this summer. I'll still care, but i've got a life and I need to get on with it as best I can. I'll play family mediator/counselor for a summer. My question is (to quote Dr. Downey...hahaha): Who counsels the counselor? I'm trying to convince her that its like pulling the plug in a way. They'll either sink or they'll swim. And if they're anything like me or her, they'll flail for awhile then start trying to figure out how to swim. I don't have all the answers, and god knows I never will. But this is a start.

Do you think its considered a failure if you've done all you can for 30 years and just can't do it anymore?

So a friend of mine from high school, whom I occasionally speak to but really only just eat lunch with once or twice a year lately, asked me the other day if I dropped out of school for "stupid reasons". You'd think this person, who i've stuck up for numerous times and helped through god knows how much shit, would know me just a little better than that. Remember the 4 years of bullshit we went through in HBC? Nah, why would you. Well, this isn't any more fun than the 3rd year of that was. I appreciate your concern (sarcasm?), but being in school hasn't made me weaker or dumber. Lazier, maybe. But not soft.

I'm absolutely amazed at myself by the way. It doesn't seem like I can leave anything without leaving loose ends everywhere. And unlike the ones I came home to fix, these won't stick around forever. The second I leave for home, BAM, shit hits me all over again. 13+ hours in a car by yourself will make you realize some things, let me tell you. hahaha

Maybe my family is growing up. My brother dropped an interesting bomb on me the other day. He's no longer single. For the first time since he was a senior in high school (roughly 5 years ago), he has a girlfriend. And he's happier than a pig in shit. And she's happier than a pig in shit. He won't tell mom though. She's 17, and a senior in high school. Funny that I coach kids that age... He's not dumb...he's not dumb...he's not dumb...

Oh yeah, and Tuesdays are quite possibly some of the happiest days of our lives. Just watch for yourselves...this Tuesday will be special. I guarantee it.

I finally sat down and talked to one of those people I needed to talk to. That crazy woman who carried me around for 9 months or so. It was good. It was 45 minutes. I said what I needed to say. She said exactly what I thought she'd say. My oldest brother was in the other room, heard everything I said, and probably won't talk to me for a few days.

*sigh*

Thats one thing off the list. Only 7 or 8 more to go. At this rate, i'll be done by...october. Shit.

Ima go eat dinner now. French fries and spaghetti o's. Don't be jealous. I'm honestly excited by this.

I SWEAR TO GOD I WAS ADOPTED!

(ahem)

Now then.

On with life.

I told myself all day I was gonna update this. I've been meaning to forever. And when I finally sit down to do it? I've got nothing. Other than that, you know. I was adopted. I think. But then again, we're all whack jobs up here. It's just a matter of me remembering/learning what the heck i'm supposed to do while i'm here. I'm gonna get a job here soon. Where? I dunno. Doing what? No idea. Paying? Hopefully money. I miss classes too. Thats actually a good thing in my mind. I couldn't think straight or concentrate, and now that thats sorta coming back to me, i'm craving academia again. Summer classes don't start for another month though...good thing i've got about 40 books of mine (and 500 of moms) laying around here. I still need to have a chat with a few people up here before I get too into anything else. And I need to re-up at QU. How the hell am I, of all people, supposed to write a 2 page essay on the school motto? Do they mean "Non Min...Sed Min..." or that other one...you know...the 6 letter word that we all love so dearly? I'll work em both in if I have to. I miss everyone. I'm bored at home. I'm starting to feel better. Stay in touch kids. (hey, look at that. I wrote something afterall... :-D)